A little about me…

I hope to accomplish one objective here, to share my thoughts. I will mostly be posting poetry, but may post personal blogs about my life as a mother and a wife, short stories, and anything I feel needs to be shared. Some of my writing is erotic in nature. Some of my writing will be graphic and traumatic at times. All of it will be my truth, whether fiction or fact a piece of me. I hope you enjoy, or relate,or whatever it is you need.

Then words come out

The joy I feel
Can not be measured
When I watch thoughts
Come together

Through his eyes
And in his mind
Then out come words
Just in time

Some may say
His words are late
But I can’t help but

With every step
My baby takes
On his way
To being great


I’m done being fake
Putting on a smile for you
There is just too much at stake
So I’m just gonna speak my truth

I don’t care if you think I’m dwelling
Letting go is hard to do
Or if you think that what I’m telling
Is too heavy to be true

My version of reality
Is just not fucking up to you
I won’t hide my tragedies
Like all these other people do

My memories don’t fade like yours
I relive them in the night
Sweating blood from out my pores
And grinding teeth with fright

Happy moments have been few
And every one is tainted
With a full blown lack of truth
My loyalty was wasted

So pardon me if I may seem
A little cold and bitter
Not everyone is blessed like you
With unicorns and glitter

Before you judge how I deal with strife
Consider this as true
The hand that I was dealt in life
Would have murdered you

Still searching

        I have never written about the events surrounding my brothers suicide. I am not sure there are even words to describe how soul crushing that part of my life was and remains. I have also lived with fear of hurting my family with my differing perspective, which has been extremely harmful to me. I am not ready to write about it yet in detail, even 18 years later. One thing is for sure, when I am ready, I will write like no one will read it. His D-day is the 12th officially. That is when he was taken off life support. But I consider the moment he shot himself to be his moment of death, and that was the evening after the twin towers fell.

       I often wonder if the sheer horror of that day impacted his decision. So many questions that will never be answered. World Suicide Prevention Day is upon us, and my thoughts are to share how his suicide has impacted me. I truly believe if he were to have known how much sorrow I have carried, he would have chosen differently. But again, I will never know.

Still searching
For the sharp and piercing words
To cut open my guts
And reveal the burning red soul
Hot as a coal
Burning everlong
With the pain of this loss
Of your choice
And living with the cost
Of your actions
Never having answers
To the questions
What pushed you over the line
Was it trauma plus time
Was it lack of love
And the guilt
That I had walked away
Knowing you were not ok
Knowing not a soul was invested
In breaking up your fight with yourself
I can not count the times I helped
Yet none of them matter
Just the one time
That you had access
To an unlocked gun

Crooked toes

I cried because your toes were crooked
Not out of shame, or because you are not perfect
I cried because I knew you would struggle
I sensed that it was more than your toes
That you share with your sister
I could see in your gaze
That you were far from me
Even for a premature boy
And I saw that look before
In your sisters eyes
Only once, before she died
And though you are taking your time to talk
And you couldn’t hold my gaze until you were three
I am just so thankful and pleased
That your heart is whole, and still beats
And thankful as well
That they missed on the testing
Whatever has given you crooked toes
Because I can’t see my life without you
Truly my bundle of joy
My sweet little laughing boy
I love you very deeply

Bedtime by Lucas and Mom

It is bedtime
We are getting ready
To go to sleep
And dream our dreams
Of adventuring together

Dreams of being
The rulers of the multiverse
With septors
With galaxies inside

And also we ride
A unicorn with magic beams
Shooting from its glowing horn
To light up the galaxies

Swinging round in Saturn’s rings
We slingshot to the Milky Way
Blasting down rainbows
To the planet’s as we go

How stellar
We belong together
With our rainbows, our unicorn
And all the glittering stardust


Ever floating in between
A lazy day and a waking dream
And somewhere in between the scenes
Is you, evading me

Slipping from my desperate grasp
Wasting all the time that’s past
I long for love that will outlast
My youth and all it means

Once I had made up my mind
To leave this lingering behind
Only then your heart was mine
When I could not believe

Drifting through this listless space
For I can not give what I let you take
And have no loving left to make
Or hope that I’ll conceive

It can not end of it never began
But my heart bled regardless when
I learned that you had never been
Everything I need

Shall I ride the white horse wind
Sail the waves of salt and sand
Or will I reach out for your hand
And make you carry me

Freeform Stim-dancing #1

I am the Shadow dancer.

Song: This is no ordinary love by You+Me

      When I was a young girl, I would whirl and twirl about. As I got older, this evolved into a ritual of sorts. I am the Shadow Dancer (see poem of that title). This was a way that I stimmed. For those of you who don’t know what stimming is, stimming is an activity an Autistic person does that self stimulates their senses. My stim-dancing stimulates my sight, hearing, sense of feeling, and emotions. It is a powerful outlet to expel extra energy. There are infinite ways an autistic person can stim, and it is woven into the fiber of their being. Some of the ways may seem abnormal to you, but they are perfectly normal for the autistic person, and should be normalized in society.      

      This was my first attempt at freestyle dance in over 20 years. It felt like home. Shortly after this I ordered ballet shoes and once they arrived, I injured my knee trying to perfect a pivot turn. That inspired the poem I should be dancing. I have healed and am getting my balance and strength back. Very soon I will be back in my leathers and ready to dance around my garage again, like no one is looking.


In my dreamlife
The theme is rejection
Chasing reflections
Of who I used to be

Overwhelming emotion
Of chasing another
Unrequited lover
Who is done with me

I’m no longer her
But at night I am trapped
My mind being wrapped
In old inadequacies

If I could take hold
And make my dreams lucid
God knows I would do it
And finally be free

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